


I've become so numb (I Can't feel you there)

by A_R_Alistair



Category: Marvel, Marvel Cinematic Universe, The Avengers (Marvel Movies), The Avengers (Marvel) - All Media Types
Genre: A make it worse fic?, Cute, Fluff, Hurt and comfort, Irish Steve Rogers, M/M, Marriage Proposal, Post-Captain America: The First Avenger, Pre-Captain America: The First Avenger, Pre-Serum Steve Rogers, What ever it is, but its still cute, i dunno, thats what I wrote, what is the opposite of a fix-it fic?
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-08-25
Updated: 2018-08-25
Packaged: 2019-07-02 11:43:07
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,551
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15795810
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/A_R_Alistair/pseuds/A_R_Alistair
Summary: As Bucky gets his memories wiped by hydra, his brain is determined not to forget, and it begins to recall three accounts of him and Steve, together. As the pain sets in, his brain allows him to re-live those occasions as if for the first time.





	I've become so numb (I Can't feel you there)

**Author's Note:**

> Hey dare!!! This is my first (completed) Marvel fic and I am so happy to have done it. I have included some Gaelic phrases all of which I looked up on Google Translate so if they are wrong and you speak fluent Gaelic... PLEASE DON'T HESITATE TO CORRECT ME. All the phrases I have also double checked to make sure they make sense if you look them up on google translate 'English to Irish' so feel free to do that! So without further Ado, happy reading!

**A hydra agent stood before him, forcing a mouth guard into his mouth. He was strapped down into a cold chair, bolted down at the wrists and ankles. The agent babbled something in Russian to another nearby guard who pressed a button. Suddenly the contraption that lay dormant next to him began sparking and moving toward his face. Panic ran through his body as he tried to pull away, but it was no use. The machine came to a halt, cold metal touching his skin for a second as he braced himself, only one thought in his head. _Steve._ Pain sieged his whole body as he began screaming. His mind spun franticly as it tried to grasp onto every memory of the boy it could. With every passing millisecond more and more was being hidden away, It tried so desperately to remember**

_Their was a dull classroom with beige walls, wooden desks and a map above the chalk board, nothing like he had ever seen before. James was nine, and like many others, it was his first  day at a new school. He was the only person there, other than a pale, skinny boy sat in the front of the class doing something in a beat up notebook. He doesn’t know why but something urges him to go over and introduce himself. If he’s going to be stuck in school for the next few years, the least he can do is make some friends._

_James walked over to the front of the class and tapped the boy on the shoulder. “Hey. My name is James Buchannan Barns. But you can just call me James if you want to. Pleased to meet ya.”  He said proudly, sticking out his hand for the smaller kid to shake._

_The boy smiled and shook his hand before replying. “I dunno,  just James seems a little boring, and my mom always says that it’s a nuisance to be boring in life, so let’s see…” he paused looking up at him tapping his chin thoughtfully “You name is James Buchannan Barns right? So, how’s about I call you Bucky?” the boy announced, beaming with pride at the nickname he just came up with._

_“Bucky! I like it. So, what’s your name?” Bucky asked._

_“Oh yeah, well my name is-” the boy was cut off by violent coughs wracking his whole frame, Bucky stood, frozen. He had seen people cough before but never like this, the boy before him could hardly breath. The boy grasped around in his pocket before pulling out an asthma pump, inhaling the contents. “Sorry, my name is Steven Grant Rodgers,” he introduced smiling weakly, “but you can call me Steve, and that’s not boring because it’s not even what my mom calls me!” he let out a small chuckle. He wriggled his index finger gesturing for James, or Bucky, as he was now going to be called, to come closer. As he leaned in Steve whispered quietly into his ear. “She actually calls me Stevie, but I don’t want the other kids to know that or they’ll tease me”_

_Bucky nodded once before pretending to zip his mouth closed, lock it and throw away the key. “So. What were you doin in your book before I came over?” Bucky asked leaning over to look at the object in question._

_“I was drawing a picture, see.” Steve moved the book to show an intricate drawing of  a  horse, Bucky couldn’t believe someone actually drew it. “I do it a lot, cause my mom always says that if you don’t practice a lot you’ll never get better. You know, someday I want to be an artist for money!” the boy said, stars flowing through his eyes._

_“Someday, I’m gonna be an army man like my dad!” Bucky said making a gun with his hands “Then  can stop all the bad guys!” He made a shooting noise with his mouth pretending to shoot at something behind Steve._

_“If you want to be an army man, ill come with you! Then I can draw you in your army outfit and-” he was cut off again by another round of coughs, worse this time than before. Bucky grabbed the pump for him and held it up to his mouth, pressing the button._

_“You sure do cough a lot, don’t ya?” Bucky asked._

_“Yeah, I guess you could say I get sick a lot.” Steve smiled_

_“Well, then I guess that means I’ll just have to protect you then, till the end of the line.” Bucky smiled and took the seat next to Steve._

**The shocking stopped briefly and he could physically feel everything he just recalled melt away from his mind, hiding somewhere deep in the crevasse of his brain with the rest of his memories. Then, not even a moment after it stopped the pain came back full force as he felt his brain grasp at another quickly fleeting straw.**

****

_He was fifteen now, and still friends with Steve Rodgers, best friends to be exact, although Bucky was ashamed to admit that he had much less than just platonic feelings toward the other man. They spent almost every moment that they could together, refusing to leave one another’s sides. Although he was still weak and frail, Steve was something akin to a small Chihuahua that believed itself to be the size of a Great Dane, and that yapped at everything that dared move in a threatening manner._

_He was supposed to meat Steve outside of the school building so that they could walk home together, yet for some reason he didn’t show. Bucky had come to learn that this almost always meant one of two things._

_Number 1. He got really sick and left for home early, but while it wasn’t uncommon, Steve almost always told Bucky before he left if that was the case._

_Or it was the faithful and much more likely,_

_Number 2. Some idiot picked a fight with him and Steve is now trying to put up a fight in some dirty old alley with someone twice his size, and losing horribly although somewhere in his mind he thinks he’s going to win._

_Not wanting to take a chance Bucky went with his gut and started to book it down the street, looking down every alley he could find until, low and behold there was Steve, nose bleeding and lip split trying to fight it out with Grant Hughes, the second strongest kid in school. Right next to one James Buchannan Barnes. Shaking his head, Bucky stepped into the ally, tapping Grant on the shoulder almost politely, as he turned Bucky socked him clean in the jaw, right before giving a low blow to the stomach. Grant ran off with his tail between his legs as Bucky turned to his hurt best friend._

_“Aw come on Buck,” Steve chastised “I almost had him!”_

_“Yeah,” Bucky laughed, “You almost had him kill you. You gotta stop doing that you know? Look at you, you look like hell.”_

_“That’s why I keep you around with me Buck, you say you wanna be in the army, you gotta learn to fight while your still here.” Steve jeered, laughing, but soon the laugh broke into hard coughs._

_“Come on lets get you home and cleaned up before Sarah sees you, she will have both our heads and you know it. Not to mention it’s cold out here, you don’t want to catch Pneumonia… again. Lord knows you almost died last time.” Bucky said offering a hand to his friend after he stopped coughing._

_“Oh come on you know you love it when my mom yells at you and her accent gets so thick you can barely hear what she’s saying.” Steve smiled and grabbed the offered hand._

_They walked to Steve’s place but when they got to the door, it was already unlocked._

_“Shit!” Steve cursed under his breath looking over at Bucky, “My mom’s home, this should be fun.” He smiled cracking open the door._

_“Stevie! Cén fáth a bhfuil tú chomh déanach? Ba chóir duit dul isteach anseo tamall ó shin!” Steve’s mother called out from the kitchen in Gaelic, which was her home language._

_Sarah Rogers was originally from Ireland, as Steve had explained to Bucky just before he came to his home for the first time. Steve’s parents had met when his father was in Ireland, they fell madly in love and his father convinced her to come to America with him. Shortly after Steve was born, his Father left his Mother, leaving her to raise Steve alone._

_Steve was brought up with his mother speaking only Gaelic to him as that was the dialect  she was most comfortable in. Steve explained how he only ever spoke to his mother in English when they were in company, if not they were a strictly Gaelic in the household._

_“She’s asking why I’m home so late.” Steve explained to Bucky before calling out a reply. “Tá brón orm máthair. Tá mé anseo le cara.” Bucky was able to understand the last sentence as Steve explaining that Bucky was here, a phrase he knew well after being friends with Steve for so long. Sarah had even taken it upon herself to teach him a basic greeting, since he was there so often._

_“Dia duit, Mrs. Rogers” Bucky said looking to Steve for confirmation, to which he nodded happily._

_“Oh, James. Great to see you son.” Sarah said coming out of the kitchen, slinging a wash cloth over her shoulder, her face visibly dropped as she saw the state of her son._

_“Steven Grant Rogers! What in the Lord’s good name have ye done to yerself? Look at ye! Bleedin and bruised! What is the bleadin matter with ye?” She screamed nearing her Son, her accent thick beyond belief as she lost her composure. “Tá a fhios agat an coinníoll duit féin! Cén fáth a cheapann tú gur féidir leat troid?” She screamed louder, Bucky becoming lost to the words._

_“Tá brón orm máthair.” Steve began to apologize, knowing better than to try and reply in English when his mom was in a state of anger like this._

_“Agus tú!” She yelled looking at Bucky now, pointing an accusing finger. “Caithfear mo mhac a chosaint de réir tú, tú dúr, mífhreagrach, mí-aireach, páirtí leapa!” Her hands were visibly shaking as she tried to restrain herself._

_“Mam! Ní raibh Bucky ann! Ní féidir leis an milleán a ghlacadh.” Steve yelled in defence, glaring at his mother in what may be seen as offence. Something in his mother’s expression softened._

_“I’m sorry Steve. But ye can’t blame me fir worrying, an James. I apologize for what I said son, weather you understood or not, I was far outa line. Now would you boys please go and clean up?” Sarah said smiling ever so softly. “Ye look like the back end of a Clydesdale, the pair of ye.” She laughed._

_“tá mam” they said in unison and Steve beamed at Bucky._

_“I must say, you are getting better at speaking in my mom’s home langue.” Steve smirked at his friend._

_“Yea, well I didn’t understand a word of what she said to me back there.” Bucky admitted. “Trust me, you didn’t want to understand it Buck.” Steve said shaking his head. “That bad huh?” He laughed._

_“She more or less called you stupid, irresponsible, unsatisfactory, bedding party. Or Gaelic for fuck.” Steve said before breaking into a laugh, even though it was no laughing matter. “Don’t worry she didn’t mean it though. She loves you like her own son. And that’s also nothing compared to what I have been called before.” Steve explained while still grinning._

_“Come on lets get you cleaned up.”_

 

**The pain stopped once more, his chest heaving as he gasped for air. His mind was becoming more and more blank by the second, then the pain began again for the third time. This time however his mind found it significantly harder to grasp onto any form of memory until it stumbled upon the last of them.**

_They were twenty four and had just moved into their first apartment together. It wasn’t much. One bedroom, one bathroom, a kitchen the size of a matchbox and a sitting room not much bigger. It wasn’t much,  but it was theirs, and Bucky couldn’t remember a time when he was happier. He and Steve were no longer friends, when they were seventeen they had both confessed their love for on another and became lovers, not to any ones knowledge but their own._

_The apartment cost them greatly, as they were not from the richest of families, yet it was worth it. Bucky, however had spent every penny of his remaining savings on something that he was sure would bring even more joy. A small, silver sterling engagement ring, engraved with a Celtic love knot around the band, as well as another identical ring to match and the phrase ‘Till the end of the line’ engraved on the inside both of them. He also had another surprise up his sleeve, he was going to propose partly in Gaelic, knowing full and well how much that would mean to Steve after his mother’s passing._

_He could have waited a few years until their relationship was more solid, but he had to do it now. He had just been accepted into the_ _107th Infantry Regiment_ _as a part of the New York Army National Guard. He left in four months and wanted to make sure that Steve was his before he left._

_That night, while they were sat on the couch together, Steve drawing and Bucky reading what looked to be a book but was actually a slip of paper with his proposal speech written on it, he made his move. He took out the box that held both of the rings before slipping onto the floor, the cold hardwood sending a chill through his legs. He cleared his throat to get Steve’s attention. Once he looked over at Bucky on the floor he gasped, his sketch book falling to the floor._

_“Steven Grant Rogers. Is breá liom tú níos mó ná rud ar bith.” Steve began to cry at that. “Since the day we met I swore I would stick by your side no matter what, till the end of the line, and with this ring I want to solidify that, forever. Now I know we can’t get married officially, but just us wearing these rings will be more than enough, I was accepted to fight in the war Stevie, I leave in a few months, and before I go… please say you’ll be mine, and Marry me. Mo ghrá amháin?” Bucky finished with tears in his eyes._

_Steve nodded vigorously and Bucky slipped the ring onto Steve’s left hand, kissing him. Steve the grabbed the other ring and slid it onto Bucky’s own left had, he could feel the warmth of Steve’s finger pressing against his skin._

**The pain stopped for the final time and he could feel the warmth of skin fade away, his left arm becoming numb. He looked over and saw metal, his mind blank as a clean slate.**

**“Ready to comply” he said without feeling a thing.**


End file.
